How To Keep Your Relationship Hot and Steamy, Even After 30 Years

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By Toni Cummings

My Husband and I are still in the honeymoon stage – even after 30 years! I still can’t seem to keep my hands off him. Kids, exes, moving, becoming grandparents, it all reshapes and redefines that once pure and simple love, the lust and desire to spend every waking moment together.

Long term relationships are hard enough without feeling like you have lost that desire for each other, so how do you keep the lust alive?

Here are the 4 tips we’ve used all these years, that have proven themselves over and over again.

1. Communication

We do what I call “check-ins.” We sit down and really talk – about EVERYTHING!

If you are not talking about what is going on inside of your relationship, I would ask why?

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You need to let your partner know he/she is the most important person in your world and what he/she has to say is important to you. If you don’t like something, you need to feel free to speak without feeling judged and your partner needs to feel the same safety from you, not having to worry about whatever he/she says being held against him/her at a later time. You may be more comfortable talking to another person, yet I would advise you that this is dangerous. There are two people in this relationship. No one else needs to know what is going on and this can eventually erode your relationship.

Sex is a wonderful and extremely pleasurable experience that needs to be nurtured and protected. If you are not liking something or wanting more of something, you have got to be able to let your partner know that – he/she is not a mindreader! Be gentle and thoughtful, choosing your words correctly and clearly. Allow your partner to ask questions for clarity. If the thought of this makes you feel uncomfortable, maybe start with simply letting your partner know what he/she is fantastic at.

Now that you have talked from your heart, how can you two get the time to be together?

2. Always Make Time

Sure, date nights are great (as long as you don’t talk about kids or business), but what about the rest of the week?

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30 years ago, text messages were not around. Still, I wanted my man to know I was thinking about him, so I would put post-it notes with little sexy things written on them in his lunch box. Never too risqué in case someone else saw them, but just enough to set the stage. It is a great tool because (1) you are the one who is sending it and (2) you now have all day to have sexy thoughts of how you want things to play out.

Knowing men are visual, lingerie is a huge payoff for most people. You feel sexy putting it on and he is happy you took the time to do it. Oftentimes, I  just open the door to him with only his work shirt on – that always seems to be a winner as well. The point is, think sexy, get ready, put your makeup on and knock his socks off occasionally. Just because you are off the market doesn’t mean you stop trying to keep sexy alive. Do your hair, makeup, put on something nice and  remember, if he works outside of the home, he has been with well kept women who may just be looking in his direction; keep him excited about coming home!

3. No Excuses

Oh, you have kids? You work outside of the home? You’re tired at the end of the day?  

Those are terrible excuses. If you are too tired at bedtime, realize you can steal away a few intimate moments together. We had 5 little children plus a 21 year old and we still got things done. If bedtime is for sleeping because you are exhausted, open your mind to other adventures, get sexy in other places – don’t let the teenagers have all the fun! Just because you have been together forever doesn’t mean that things have to get stale. A bubble bath here, a hot steamy shower there, even a fabulous neck rub can all be well worth the effort.

4. Boredom: The Great Lie

It may not be the lovin’ that’s not good. Look at the entire relationship; it may be that your partner thinks they are not being heard or valued. They feel you are talking down to them or not spending quality time with them. DO NOT let this get between you! If you really have actively listened to them, you can become more sensitive to these issues during the “check-in” and start working to correct them. Boredom is basically a word that says “I’m wondering if there is something else better out there.” Cheating is not an accident, it is a choice – someone has chosen to go outside of the relationship to fill a need they believe is not being met. After you have started to address whatever the issue is, you can show them with your actions in other ways as well.

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My husband and I are not willing to have our life together torn apart based on a whim, we have often just locked ourselves in the bedroom for the weekend with only a few breaks for refueling. No boredom can survive a staycation like that!  

If you are happy in all aspects, there is no reason to go out and look anywhere else.

They say the brain is the biggest sex organ we have. Give it a kick start, talk, try something new, try some place different, try a staycation, do something to surprise and tantalize, fall in love all over again with that incredible person who is on his way home to you right now. Trust me, it works.

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Toni Cummings

Toni Cummings

wife, mother, nana, avid NHRA Drag Racing Fan (Go Robert Hight) and an AADP Board Certified Health Coach. at Toni Cummings Health Coach
Toni Cummings is a wife, mother, nana, avid NHRA Drag Racing Fan (Go Robert Hight) and an AADP Board Certified Health Coach.

Toni is fascinated by food - the energy that food has and the good as well as the bad that it can bring to our bodies. Through her own search to find the best foods to balance her body and hormones, she found her true calling and sharing the knowledge she’s gained has become her passion.
Toni Cummings
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